Once upon a time, I fell in love with my best friend. We lived about 15 minutes from each other so there was many a ride together to school. When we got there, we hung out in the same place with the same people so there was many a lunch eaten, many a movie watched and many an hour spent together. We’d ride home together and when we got home, we’d call each other up and spend many an hour on the phone. After that, we’d hang up and write short letters to each other. We spent so much time together; I did the unthinkable and told her I loved her…many a time. And many a time I got shot down.

Once again upon a time, I fell in love with another of my best friends. As before, there were the gimmicks upon gimmicks on end. The phone calls upon phone calls on end. The hours spent together on end talking about everything and nothing and still enjoying it. And in the end, brought about by the prospect of death, I proclaimed my love for her. Same old ending. I would have rather died that day than face her after my proclamation.

The empirical evidence is staring me up in my face. I can’t and shouldn’t fall in love with friends. But I can’t help it. Sure, there have also been once-upon-a-times that have had me face to face with romantic, passionate moments. I shunned these, clinging to my sliver of hope that one day I could find someone who could actually fall in love with me after being my friend first.

In my heart, I need to see the person at their worst first and love them in spite of that. I need to see the best the person can be and see if I could have a part in it. Whoever she is, I need hear her stories, know what makes her cry, know if I can make her laugh, find out her quirks and discover her qualities.

My friends beware. I could strike at any moment.



I's amazing how my Friends DVDs are inspiring me to write. There's an episode in season 9 where Chandler announces on his alumni webpage that Ross had died and they plot to hold a memorial service to see who would actually show up.

I myself have had that thought before. If I were to die today, I would love to stick around for the wake. Imagine that...getting to see whose lives you've actually touched. Getting to know who actually cared and called you friend.

Sure signs of a small ego. Egocentric, yes, but small nonetheless.

Of course, this led me to thinking if I was ready to die. Coming from a recent brush with my mortality (my heart grew to epic proportions for those who don't know), I did examine my life and realized that I really could pass from this earth with little, if no regrets.

Here is my basis for such a declaration:

1. I have found true friendship - unconditional and unquestionable.
2. I leave behind a legacy
3. I have loved and been loved
4. I have lived and achieved my greatest dream
5. I won't die a virgin

True, there are always going to be new destinies, dreams and challenges ahead. I actually do look forward to them. I definitely won't be resting on my laurels because I still could do more with myself. I just think that if I did have to go today, I would not leave any unfinished business.

Aaaahh. Onto more pleasant things.



Fell asleep the other night watching season 9 of "Friends" on my DVD player. I found it sad that another show that I have to come to love will be saying goodbye, especially this one. It's cliched I know, but I have fallen in love with these characters. Somehow because I do see me and my friends when I watch them. Heck, there are so many similariies between me and Chandler, it's scary (Lemee see...people mistake me for being gay, talks too much, snide and sarcastic, wisecracking wiseass, was in a meaningless job then quit then became a copywriter - told you, it's scary).

Allow me now to pay tribute to the different groups of people that I am thankful to call my friends:

The J-Boyz
I came to their class in my senior year of high school and to this day I wonder why I never made the move earlier. These guys taught me how to be myself. Their acceptance of me made a major impact on my life. We still get together over some beers or wine, a game of billiards and/or a strip show (not necessarily in that order) and at the occassional wedding and funeral (we've lost two classmates and two teachers already - geez). We've been losing hair and gaining bellies but amazingly, like a fine wine...we do get better with age. Whould've thought?

As freshmen in 1993, we were brought together to form a group of potential leaders of the Ateneo. Our bond materialized when we got stranded by floods in Subic and we had to stay the night. In the years since, we have put up an org and managed to keep in touch with/check up on each other, but not as often as I would like.

We all got together one day over "Les Miserables" and then hung out together in the oproom, forming the core of countless projects in the college. Admittedly, I had ulterior motives in continuing to hang out with them (well, the girls were cute and I was desperately courting one of them), but to this day, there are friendships and bonds that remain strong. In the end, I didn't get the girl, but I got a great bunch of friends who I can call on in good times and bad.

Around the same time my keitri barkada began, I also started hanging out at DSWS...and this was where I found my closest group of friends. They were the first people I'd hang out with at the start of the day and they wee the last people I'd see at the end of it. We'd bond over bridge, movies and sing-alongs. Of course, the bonding went too far and it was inevitable that crushes and the like developed between us. But broken hearts notwithstanding, we continued to be friends. Watching DVDs magdamagan at my place, cooking breakfast togeher, trips to Baguio, tong-its sessions (golden rule: shirts off, game on), and of course the Thursday night gimmicks, hence our name. These people are so close to me, they're practically family. A lot of them are not in Manila right now, but like true family, I know that someday, they'll all find a way home.

Thanks guys.



Just a few days ago, one of my classmates from high school responded to my last entry here. He's been living in the States the past few years and it was nice to touch base with him and hear about how he also has the collection addiction syndrome. He probably said more to me in that response than in any conversation we've ever had. Which is sad to me, but what made me even sadder was the afterthought that came to me.

Why are so many people leaving the country?

In my high school section alone, we reflect the attitude of the country wherein 25% of filipinos have left or are thinking about looking for greener pastures abroad. There were 40 of us in class, and not counting our 2 dearly departed classmates, there are 10 of us struting our wares in another country. Two in Japan, One in Taiwan and the rest in the States.

In the past few years, I've lost my oldest friend (Hey Ryan! - 22 years) and my bestest friend (Hey Bill!) abroad. The prospect of earning tens of thousands of pesos an hour seemed to appeal to them.

So why doesn't it appeal to me? I have this predisposed notion that going abroad will instantly make me a 3rd class citizen, working for good money in menial jobs. I could chalk it up to ego - that with my education, I deserve a better status. I could chalk it up to my need to be with my friends - but with so many people going overseas, I might not have any friends left here! I'm just rambling, but there really is something that keeps me from making the move to another country.

Baka kasi walang maid sa states...



When I was younger, I was obsessed with collecting comics. Not because of a particular writer or artist. Not because of any investment possibilities (although there were some of that too) but simply because I wanted to collect every issue...sayang kasi. There was a point that I was buying 16 comic books a month...which led to many a missed lunch since my student's allowance went almost exclusively to filbars.

As I started working, I shifted to collecting music. I needed to own a copy of my most favorite songs. Pirated CDs came out then I discovered the magic of mp3s from the net. I spent hours rummaging through pirated bins and don't even ask me about the endless nights I was up watching my songs download from audiogalaxy or kazaa.

Now, I am building a massive pirated DVD collection. I have almost all my favorite movies and a few that I bought for the sake of buying movies. I'm enjoying the fruits of all my labor and thousands spent (If I actually just saved the money I spent on all the comics and cds and dvds, I'd probably be able to put a downpayment on a car.)

But where's the fun in that?

I have come to the realization that I have a collector's disease. I need to own a copy of every song, every movie. I spend hours obssessing over my collections.

I'm Jay and I'm a collecting addict.

And proud of it. The music I got has entertained many a person who would have to type on my computer and has led to the greatest compilations of music to ever be burned and played on my cd player in the car. The dvds I've bought have led to many a movie marathon with my friends, allowing us to spend quality time together vegging out in front of the tv and actually talk and hang out when our eyes couldn't take the strain anymore.

My collection obsession has brought joy to the world. And that's a good thing.


My juices are flowing...

Creatively that is. Or at least, they're trying to. Screaming for release. Starving to be used. I've been out of the loop for too long.

As you all well know, I've been jobless for the better part of a year now. Went my own way...lived out a dream...now I am stuck at home, hoping that one of the agencies or companies I sent my resume to would actually call...

So this brings me to this blog. I hope that I can maintain writing this thing. I've had journals before and I never stuck to those well. Maybe this could be a start.

I never figured out how to write good endings.